Let's move on, shall we?

Since I've accomplished all the things on my "to-do" list (see previous post) and surgery is now over (it went well, email me if you want to know more), it's time to move on.
I was finally able to pray last night about what is coming next. I don't know what's been blocking me or stopping me from praying about my future, but something was. But last night, as I lay in bed, I found myself thanking God for what's next. Telling him I'm excited for whatever it is he has, and how I need his direction right now because I don't know where to start.
So today I will work on my application for within the Lutheran school system. I printed the essay questions a few weeks ago, lost the first copy, and printed a new one yesterday. Today I will write the answers. Things like my philosophy of education, about my own faith, why I'm committed to the doctrines and teachings of the LCMS. You know, simple stuff like that. To me the answers are pretty simple, but I need to make them sound professional. Hmmm...that should be super fun.
I've spent a lot of time this week with people I love and care about. My love tank is just about full, and it's only Wednesday. I was supposed to take it easy this week. Lay low. I've been so tired from the procedure last week, that it's hard not to take it easy. I've had lots of people who are happy to rest with me. Many movies have been watched, conversations had, and naps taken. I'm going to spend some more time reading Waking the Dead by John Eldredge today. I think I'll get to that right now.

So far, in seven days, I have completed report cards for 22 students, packed and moved my entire classroom (including sorting through many years of files!), hosted a 40th anniversary part, written a letter to everyone who received my initial support letter to let them know I will not be pursuing the development project with HTI, addressed 320 envelopes, and put them all in the mailbox. I call every single donor between yesterday and today, and either left messages or spoke directly with them. I cleaned my house, did all my laundry, and still had time to watch disc 3 of season 3 of The Office. I am feeling exceedingly accomplished. I'll bask in this for just a bit.

drowning

I am envious of those who can make a list of things that must be accomplished, rank it according to importance, and do it just like they planned. Goal-setting, prioritizing, accomplishments.
These things seem to escape my ability to comprehend. I'm going to go address envelopes.

Paper Aversion

I don't do well with paper. I don't like it. I loose small pieces with important information on them. Every time I move, I stuff all these papers into a box, only to find them the next time I move, untouched. Credit card applications, directions to destinations, gas receipts, notes from my family and friends. Every now and then, I'll file the necessary ones, and shred the rest. But this is also a major production, as it requires me to sit still.

Right now I have all these little sayings that I like, from this tear-0ff calender thingy a student gave me, stuck to my monitor. They've started falling off. And I'm packing up my classroom for the last time. So I have to put them somewhere that I won't loose them. And the lightbulb just went on!

"I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter." --Blaise Pascal

"Life is a series of surprises, and would not be worth taking or keeping, if it were not." --Ralph Waldo Emerson

"A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops." --Henry Brooks Adams

"You are not in charge of the universe; you are in charge of yourself." --Arnold Bennett

"One must learn by doing the thing; for though you think you know it, you have no certainty, until you try." --Sophocles

"Never let the fear of striking out get in your way." --George Herman ("Babe") Ruth

Rain Delay

I went to the Botanical Gardens today with my friend Karen, and her two beautiful children. We were almost there when it started sprinkling. By the time we got inside, got tickets, and got upstairs to go out the doors, it was raining. Then it poured. And poured. And poured. This gave us some good chatting time. She said, "This reminds me of what's going on in your life. Not that it's pouring, but that we had this great plan, we drove straight for the plan, and when we got here, it was a lot different than we thought it would be. That's like your life right now."
I'm so thankful others are able to see what God is doing, and that they are part of this grand adventure with me.

Giant Box of Emotions

So the box I've been stuffing emotional things into has gotten large enough to need a wagon to carry it around. I think I'll start unpacking it next week. Here's what's in the box as of right now, at 5:09 p.m. Thursday, May 22.
1. Tomorrow the most difficult year of teaching comes to a close. I question myself repeatedly about what I should have done, could have done to reach my kiddos.
2. Tomorrow is my last day teaching at a school I love, where I am comfortable, and with people who have become my family. I can't begin to put words to this one. I think I'll stuff it further down, maybe for July.
3. I won't be working for Brazil Mission Society next year. I feel like I'm letting people down. They assure me I am not. The feeling hasn't gone away. I'm not sure I'll go to Brazil at all.
4. I have some health things to think about and take care of.
5. Where do I go and what do I do now?

I think five things is enough. I'll keep you posted on the unpacking.

The Great Nebraska Adventure of '08

My friend is graduating this weekend with her Master's degree in Literacy Education from Concordia University in Nebraska. I never like to miss an opportunity for an adventure, so I came along to celebrate the weekend with her. We left St. Louis early this morning on a Southwest Airlines flight. Let the adventure begin!

We arrived in Omaha (or Ohama, as we like to call it) and headed down the escalator to retrieve our luggage. Halfway down the escalator we both had Baltimore airport flashbacks, where we flew in December to visit friends. That night we found our luggage, only to stand there for a long time while everyone else was picked up by family and friends while we waited...and waited...and called everyone we knew to get our friend's number (who was coming to get us). Needless to say, no one, from coast to coast, could help us. So we waited. Even the guy who had flowers for his girl got picked up before us, two attractive single gals!

Back to today...
So we got our bags and headed out to grab a cab (doesn't that sound cool and grown up?). The first cab to come along was bright yellow, The Happy Cab! A man emerged from the cab with true ebony skin. We got in the car, where we were greeted with pounding tribal music. 'Cool,' I thought. We're gonna have a multi-cultural experience! He asked where we were going with a thick African accent. We showed him the address, and he laughed and said, "You've been here before, right?" "Nope!" "Is this is a home or a hotel?" "Neither, it's where we need to pick up our rental car."

Oh, yeah, I was trying to save us a few dollars by getting the car away from the airport. There are taxes and extra fees there, and besides, they were sold out because I didn't make the reservation until yesterday. So back to saving some cash...

So away from the airport we drove. We were zipping along the highway when signs for road construction began popping up. I didn't notice the huge orange "road closed ahead...detour" sign, but Erin did. Sadly, the driver missed it as well.

We found ourselves pulling in between the huge orange construction barrels and stopping next to the giant "ROAD CLOSED" sign. Construction crews were all over the exit ramp, including a huge steamroller. The construction foreman approached the car and said, "Hey! You gotta get the outta here!" Our driver didn't really seem to understand why he couldn't drive on the exit ramp. I guess the steamroller, giant signs, and yelling foreman weren't enough clues about what he shouldn't be doing.

As the tribal music continued pounding away, we re-entered the highway and continued to the Enterprise Rent-A-Car. We bolted from the car, thanked Martin, handed him $36 and headed inside. Little did I know, the next adventure was about to begin.

After declining the insurance offered through Enterprise (thus saving us $18/day), I was rifling through all the cards in my wallet searching for a credit card, when I caught a glimpse of my expired insurance card. Yes, expired insurance card. I finished signing my life away with Enterprise, got in the car, and said, "Um, hey Erin? I don't have proof of insurance." At this point I began laughing until tears came to my eyes.

With the African tribal beat pounding in my ears, I pulled out onto the road and drove safely away....

Friday

So every month my staff gets together on the first Friday of the month, well, for First Friday. We've done this as long as I've been at my school, so for seven years I've been part of this. We get together at someone's house, more often than not at Spencer and Rhonda's, for food and beverages, and sometimes a movie or fire on the patio.
It hit me tonight, that this was my last first Friday. I won't be part of the staff next year, nor will I be part of any staff. I'm not sure what to feel right now. I think I need more time to process this one. I know I need to, but can't seem to force myself to go there. When someone asks if I'm excited about what's coming, my gut reaction isn't alway, yea! It's more of, I think so, but look at all I'm leaving. That's more of where I am right now. The fact that I am leaving a group of people that are so amazing, wonderful, all of those things, and going to a staff of 1, is kind of hard to imagine. When I listen to my prinicpal talk about teachers he is considering for a position, and I realize how high his standards are, how high his expectations are, I can't help but wonder why in the world I'm leaving. I am one who met those standards and expectations, one who earned his respect. And I'm choosing to leave this? Am I crazy? Do I realize how many people would love to be in that position? I guess I didn't really get it until tonight. I've caught glimpses of it in the past, but it really hit home tonight.

A Lesson in Timing

One of my most-repeated prayers right now is, "God, show me your timing. Let me rest in knowing your time is perfect. Don't let me get in the way."
So I got to practice that today. I was blessed with a day off, and my list of things to do for Brazil was lengthy. It took up more space than Franklin Covey allowed for one day (my planner goes by his full name). I went to bed early-ish last night, prepared to rest well, wake at 5:30 like normal, have great quiet time, meet friends for coffee at 6:30, and get started on the list.
But...at 3:00 I woke up with an amazing pain in my stomach, which escalated to the point of me almost passing out. I called my mom, and thankfully, she only lives about 4 minutes away. I spent the next hour and a half curled in the fetal position, calling on the name of Jesus, asking Him to take this away. Mom asked if I wanted to go to the ER, but I couldn't imagine moving, so I stayed put. Around five this morning, the extreme cramping ceased, so I packed a small bag to take to Mom and Dad's, and headed there to sleep for awhile.
Needless to say, my day revolved around a short visit with a friend, a doctor's visit, and ultrasound. All is well, but now I get to find a specialist to help figure out what the deal is.
In all this, I kept thinking about my list of things that were not being accomplished. I quickly tossed those thoughts away, and instead focused on a few positives: I have insurance. I budgeted extra for a medical adventure this year (I learned from last year's experience). I have friends and family who were willing to leave their jobs to come and support me today, as the news of what it could have been would have been a major emotional experience. I am blessed with a great doctor who knows where to send me. My God's timing is perfect, and my list will be accomplished in His time, not mine.
Wow, a lot to be thankful for this gorgeous, sunny, almost 80 degree day! Thank you God for letting me see your hand working in my life, and for pouring out your blessings on this day.

Prosper the work of my hands

A few things keep appearing when I talk with people about my ministry with the orphanage in Brazil. I've been blessed to have several people pray for me today. The first prayer came from my principal. I had shared with him some of my anxiety and struggles, and then during staff devotions, he prayed for all of us leaving the school, that we would trust God completely, and have a child-like faith. As I was meeting with parents after school about their amazing child, they asked how things were going, and I expressed how I have been given the opportunity to trust God like I've never had to before. The mom said, "Yes, faith like a child, that's what we're supposed to have." Then the parents prayed for me, and the mission God is sending me on. The dad thanked God for "prospering the work of Angie's hands". What amazing blessings they all are to me this day.

Sunday

Today is Sunday. I worshipped with an amazing community of people who love Jesus this morning. I took communion, and was again reminded where my strength comes from. I heard another powerful reminder that Jesus did it all for me. I needed to hear that today. Come to think of it, I need to hear that every day. The congregation fed me lunch, and I was again reminded that it is from God's hand that I receive everything I need.
I bought fruit and veggies from a farmer's market and spent far less than if I had gone to the grocery store. Thank you God for sending me on an adventure to find wi-fi access!
Now I sit in a Bread Co. working on my bible study lesson for this week. I've had some coffee, and I continue to be reminded of God's goodness in my life. The usual anxiety of Sunday hasn't hit yet. I'm resting in God's word today, and it feels really good.
As I've reflected more on the last weeks, I've noticed something. God is growing my friends as they help me continue to follow God's leading. They are looking for messages from God in places they hadn't looked before. I'm having more conversations centered around God's provision, His faithfulness, His goodness, His grace, His mercy. This is a new step in some of my friendships. I'm glad to be here.

Disappointment

I didn't run. I was ready. I had mentally prepared, I had my shorts and shoes, but the student got sick. I, being a supportive and encouraging teacher, taunted her and told her she was just chicken to run with me.

My first fundraising coffee was last night. It went really well, and I learned some things to do a little differently, like putting it out that there I need funding for this project NOW!

God will provide, and I get to wait on His goodness and timing.

Running???

One day last fall I decided to go running. I put on many layers, as it was cold, and set out. I don't really know how long I ran, but I know it was farther than I'd ever run before, given the fact it was the first time I'd ever attempted this.

It always sounds so cool to me when people say, "When I got back from my run..." or "While I was running, I started thinking..." or "Oh, I didn't get my running shorts washed..." So I figured I'd try it. And I quickly remembered why I would tell people I only run when I am being chased and I fear for my life. So I didn't run again.

Well, tonight I was having dinner with a group of 8th grade girls who are waiting to be confirmed. One of them (a former student of mine when she was in second grade) was telling me that she needs to get her run time down on the mile. She ran it in 12:50, and needs to get it to 10 minutes or less. I asked her what she's doing Thursday after school, and did she want me to run with her, 'cause I totally will! I didn't really think she'd take me up on it, but as she was leaving she hugged me goodbye and said, "Should I just come to your room after school Thursday?"

Well, I guess that seals the deal. Apparently I'll be running a mile on Thursday.

Little is Much

I've had this song on my heart for about a week. I'm not sure what else to say, except that I am who this song talks about. I am weak and poor. I am under qualified, yet God is watering seeds that I sow, the seeds that I sow because that's what I'm called to do. I trust that. I know that I don't labor in vain, and even the smallest accomplishment comes from God's hands. So I guess I'll be a weak, poor, under qualified loser if it means following God's plans for my life. I wouldn't want to be any other place. And my story isn't over, God isn't finished with me yet. He has more to write.


Little is Much by Downhere

What is the measure of a life well-lived
If all I can offer seems too small to give
This is a song for the weaker, the poorer
And so-called failures

Little is much when God's in it
And no one can fathom the plans He holds
Little is much when God's in it
He changes the world with the seeds we sow
Little is much, little is much

Who feels tired and under-qualified
Who feels deserted, and hung out to dry
This is a song for the broken, the beat-up
And so-called losers


Consider a Kingdom in the smallest seed
Consider that giants fall to stones and slings
Consider a child in a manger
Consider the story isn't over
What can be done with what you still have

The Taker

I had a great conversation with a friend the other night. We were discussing faith...big topic, right? I said something about having a stronger faith, and what can I do to make that happen? Nothing. Absolutely nothing, was his response. He went on to explain that faith is receiving what God gives. That God is the giver, and I am the taker. God loves to give to me. That's what I'm supposed to do. Take what He gives. He gives us life and salvation through Jesus' death and resurrection. "Ang, there's not much you can do to change the crucifixion." Hmm, so not so much about me at all, is it? That I get to take what God give to me, and give it to others by loving my neighbor, my sister, my brother, my friends, even those that are hard to love.
I thought a lot about this. I spent time in church tonight confessing that I'm bad at taking, that I don't feel worthy to take what God offers. But as I went to take communion, I was struck for the second time in a week by this: Christ gave his body as a sacrifice for ME, that his blood was shed to cover MY sins, and that if I were the only one who needed it, He'd do it just for me.

Tonight, I was the taker.

Thank you God for continually giving to me.

Friendly Encouragement

I sat down tonight to write my support letter, asking for donations to fund my upcoming ministry project. Within minutes, my phone rang. It was my BSF leader, calling to see how funding was coming along. She knew from my prayer request last night that funding had not happened like I thought it might. We chatted, and she echoed something others have said. "This might be a way for others to be involved that maybe wouldn't have been otherwise." My sister called in the middle of that, and when I called her back, she asked some questions about who people would write checks to, and what specifically I'm doing. She said her Bible study had decided that they wanted to help. She's not sure how, or what they'll do, but these girls are ON it!
Today three friends offered words of encouragement. One quoted 1 Thessalonians 2:1-6, 8."You know, brothers, that our visit to you was not a failure. We had previously suffered and been insulted in Philippi, as you know, but with the help of our God we dared to tell you his gospel in spite of strong opposition. For the appeal we make does not spring from error or impure motives, nor are we trying to trick you. On the contrary, we speak as men approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts. You know we never used flattery, nor did we put on a mask to cover up greed -- God is our witness. We were not looking for praise from men, not from you or anyone else." 1 Thessalonians 2:1-6a
This applies to your new job: "We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us." 1 Thessalonians 2:8.
Great words for where I am right now, and where I'm going. A great reminder to be joyful about what God has prepared for me.
Another friend reminded me to"Be bold in your faith, know that you are under attack, and God IS preparing you to expand His kingdom. Be strong, be courageous, and CLAIM your mission OUT LOUD! You are the anointed property of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords!"
The third one reminded me to just keep moving along. That God's hand is on me.
I'm so thankful God speaks through those I love in my life!

New but old

So this beginning of the blog thing is harder than I thought. I wanted to say something profound, that would have some huge impact on someone's life. When I realized that wasn't going to happen, I settled for putting all my old blogs here, in one spot. Everything older than today I just added here, and anything newer, is well, new.
Whew! I'm glad that was solved.

Spaghetti Brain

Sunday, March 30, 2008
My plate is full. The spaghetti that is my brain and my life is now spilling off the edge of my plate. I realized this today while trying to find a place to park near Kayak’s Coffee. I couldn’t find a parking place, tried to turn into a small street, misjudged the curb, and had to do a 3 point turn on a major road, while my friend Heather tried to figure out what in the world was happening. A car was coming towards us, and I immediately thanked God for making them an alert driver. When I finally turned in, I sat there with tears in my eyes, and said, "My spaghetti brain is full." She asked if there was a meatball to go with my spaghetti...

God's Faithfulness

It’s spring break. I have had a to-do list a mile and a half long, and it just kept getting longer. I felt like I just kept repeating the list to everyone who would listen, all the while, it was getting longer. So I asked God to help me with it, because He wants me to trust him with the details. So I woke up this morning, made some coffee, and started praying from my favorite chair in the quiet living room. I prayed that God would reveal people to me who can support me and my ministry with Brazil Mission Society. Suddenly, names began coming to mind. Before I knew it, I had a list of people I wouldn’t normally have put together, but also with specific needs next to some of their names.So I picked up the phone and started dialing. I asked my uncle for help with student loans...he’s thinking about it. I called my friend Melissa, who sponsors a child at HTI. I was wondering if she had space in her basement for me to store some of my teaching supplies, since I won’t be using them. Forty-five minutes later, I had added Melissa to my team, but not just to store my stuff, but to do clerical/detail work for me! So when I had asked God to provide the piece of organization that I lack, he wasn’t working it in me, but he was working on providing SOMEONE for me! She has amazing ideas, and she’s managed projects before, and is great at setting timelines and goals, and all those things that seem to plague me. Wow, not what I expected from a phone call requesting storage space, but I’ll take it!In my excitement of being bold, I called my student loan holder and my credit card company to ask if they could do anything for someone doing mission/volunteer work. They couldn’t really, except to offer deferrments, but they were pleasant, and were excited by the work I’ll be doing. Almost as rewarding as having the loans forgiven...In the last two weeks, I’ve had two very unexpected sources of support dropped into my lap. I can see God blessing this every step of the way. I have to keep stopping and looking at how He’s doing it so that I don’t miss anything. It’s so important that I remember that all these blessings are coming straight from His hands. I guess that’s why He had me focusing on 1 Samuel 12:24...But be sure to fear the LORD and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you.I pray I am able to do that.